I post the following in tribute to all middle aged men who still remember with fondness “Hammer Pants.” Some of you might know these bad boy fashion statements as “Parachute Pants.” Call them what you will—regardless, they represent one of the most daring and satisfying fashion ideas ever conceived. First of all, they look really good. When I say “good” I believe my wife (the Shewolf) is thinking, “sexy”, or something along those lines. Second, from a fashion standpoint, they are completely versatile. You can wear them with any cool T-shirt, regardless of the color. You see, when it comes to “hammer time” color coordination is not a necessity. In fact, the more absurd the color mix, the more confidence you exude—and as every man my age knows, confidence is what “hammer time” is all about. Third, Hammer Pants make a statement about who we are. As good looking men my age well know, gravity causes us to assume a more blockish physique as we mature. As this has happened to me, I have mostly gone with the flow. I consider myself in defensive mode—the heavier I get, the harder I am to push around. I want my woman to know that her man is not going to be pushed around by some young, skinny punk with boney abs. No siree, the Shewolf needs to know that I am here to stay! As I gain a pound or few, my Hammer Pants (with elastic waist band, of course) expand with me--just like an old friend who never lets me down. As my character and personality deepens, and my face matures into a more rugged version of who I used to be (ala Paul Newman, Robert Redford and of course, Clint Eastwood), I need a pair of pants that can handle my growing essence and ever improving self. Fourth, Hammer Pants feel great. What man wants to simply look exceptional all the time? Personally, I am willing to leave that to super model (mostly gay) men. "Comfort is King" in my house, and of course in my wardrobe. To look great, every man my age knows that you have to feel great. Hammer Pants create a comfort zone like no other.
And so, everyday as I squeeze into my old-school, button down 501 blue jeans, whose waist measurement now far exceed its length measurement, I wistfully long for the comfort and bold fashion that is Hammer Pants!
To complete this post, I searched for an old photo of me styling in Hammer Pants. None could be found. As a "conspiracy-theorist" on so many levels, I am convinced that my fashion ignorant children destroyed all evidence of me in Hammer Pants. (Tragically, they threw out my Hammer Pants several years ago when I was away on an extended trip!) The only proof I have is the following pic of me in Beaver Cave wearing a really cool pair of Black and White Hammer Pants. Trust me, this pic does not begin to do the pants justice.
