Edward Cullen in Paris, or Why Can't I be the Wolverine?

"I prefer Brunettes." Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 8, p. 194.

Sheila at Angelina's. We couldn't get in on our last trip to France. To be sure the hot chocolate is world class. The only thing that even comes close is Salish Lodge near Seattle, or maybe Timberline Lodge at Mt. Hood.
"You smell so good in the rain." Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 17, p. 361.
"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin." Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 13, p. 268.

Most people view themselves quite differently than people around them. I know this is true for me, but have difficulty understanding why this is so. I earnestly believe that I am good at human relationships and that I know something about women. And yet, mysteriously almost every memory I have of my relationships with women (including my wife and daughters) are fraught with confusion and misunderstandings. What's up with that?!

I desperately want to be viewed by my wife as rugged and mysterious; complicated and deep. I think this is why I am so fascinated with the character, the Wolverine. He is so full of angst and conflict. Yet, he is passionately committed (and capable) of protecting and providing security to the women in his life. Although I really want to be viewed as the Wolverine (at least in my wife's eyes), everything about who I am betrays that notion. I suppose the first time I tried to put my arm around my wife set the stage for our relationship and illustrates this point. I sensed that Sheila wanted me to put my arm around her on one of our first dates, but wasn't quite sure. The anxiety built, as I mulled it over, "Should I?" or "Shouldn't I?" It was one of those moments where the decision became larger than what was at stake. The tension built in me until it finally exploded in a disasterous ending. As I made the decision to put my arm around her, I did so in such a quick, awkward and jerking motion that I elbowed her in the jaw, almost knocking her out. I'm pretty sure the word "smooth" did not register in her mind at that exact moment. I would love to tell the story about when I first encountered the clasp of her bra strap (post marriage of course), but am afraid that it might scar my children for life, so they will just have to wait until after I am dead and read my more private personal journals--if they dare!

At any rate, I have spent most of my marriage trying to make up for missteps and clumsy moments. For the She-wolf's 50th birthday I wanted to do something "over the top"--something that screams, "I AM Spartacus! I AM the Wolverine!" So, my daughters helped me with this awesome surprise to take Sheila to France for cooking lessons. In anticipation of this trip, I envisioned myself with my wife in the romantic environs of Paris and the Loire Valley, being smooth and sophisticated, rugged and mysterious, witty and charming...you get the picture. In order to make my vision a reality, I found dozens of Edward Cullen quotes from the Twilight series. I tried to memorize them, thinking that I would impress my wife when I quoted them at just the perfect moments. That was my vision. My reality? Mostly awkward and very "cringy." I couldn't remember my lines. I choked. I found myself fumbling with my cue cards; in short, I felt like a bumbling 7th grade boy hopelessly trying to impress a 9th grade girl. Ouch!

At times, its tough to be a man of such vision--a vision that almost always exceeds my grasp. To be more specific, yesterday I was holding the She-wolf in my arms while standing on a bridge overlooking La Seine and was inspired. I had her in my arms, all I had to do was deliver the line...This was going to be "a moment." While she was gazing into my eyes, I was going to deliver the kill-shot: "Do I dazzle you?", the simple, and yet powerful line, which is loved by all Twilight fans. Unfortunately, "Do I dazzle you?" came out something like, "Uh...do I, uh...dabble you?! No, that's not it! Do I, uh...diddle you?! NO, NO!...Damn it, what was that verb?! Hold on a second..." I fumbled in my pocket and consulted my "Vampire's Guide to Lovers' Cheat Sheet", (which I had meticulously prepared in advance) chock full of cool Edwardisms, found the right quote and belatedly delivered my lines, "Do I dazzle you?" Needless to say the moment was ruined, there was no spontaneity, and no impact. I was crushed. The She-wolf, however, was understanding; she kissed me passionately just the same. For some reason that seems to defy everything my brain tells me, she loves me despite my goofiness, my bumbling manners and my constant miscues. Although I will never likely deliver the lines as expertly as the trained actors in the movies that I see, or for that matter as brilliantly as me in the amazing visions in my brain, I fortunately have found a woman who apparently loves me for simply trying to be the Wolverine.