Saturday, October 30, 2010

A Tiger in My Pocket

Ever since I accidentally tossed my first flip-cell-phone out the car window while trying to answer it one hot summer day, I have become convinced that some very real and tangible animus exists between me and my communication devices. The worldwide readership that follows Darrell's Yakimania undoubtedly already knows that I was kicked out of the AV class in fifth grade, apparently for "disrespecting school property"--whatever that means (As if inanimate objects possessed the sensitivity that require respect!). Regardless, over my lifetime I have struggled with certain aspects of technology. Now mind you, I am not technologically impaired. I use communication devices and tools (computers, cell phones, email, text messaging, etc.), it's just that I don't really love technology. More importantly, I'm convinced that it hates me.

For a number of years, I have been accused of the criminal offense of "butt-dialing" my friends. Recently, I acquired a "smart phone" (the Droid). It truly is a masterpiece of technology. I can access (and respond) to emails remotely. I can look smart in Gospel Doctrine Class, by accessing my scriptures, the lesson manual and lots of impressive extraciricular material. In short, I can appear to be much smarter than I really am, which is something I have been aiming for since about the 3rd grade. The phone that I acquired, however, is not only "smart" it is also "smart-alecky" and seems to possess a mind of its own. While climbing Mt. Rainier this past summer I dropped my phone against a rock and cracked the face. Following my disrespectful treatment of this technological device, the phone seemed to develop a bit of an attitude. Yes, my cell phone seems to have developed a "Gremlin-like" personality that is characterized by spite, revenge and a meanness that borders on evil. I swear I am not making any of this up. I will be no where near my cell phone and it will randomly dial people from my contact list. For example, one recent morning (very early) it dialed Bucky Burnett while he was on his honeymoon. Seriously! It dials people that I most definitely have no interest in talking to, and at times, it even dials people who I am trying to avoid. In the past week I have dialed an old college roommate (whom I have not spoken to in years), the Kennewick Washington Mission President (who knew I was even authorized to have his number!) and various other sundry persons with whom I have zero desire to talk. The only way I can accurately describe this phenomenon is that it's like having a Tiger in my pocket, that refuses to be tamed and frequently lashes out to harm me.

So, if you receive a random phone call from me at some weird hour, do us both a favor, don't answer your phone...and let's all pretend that I never called.